"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
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