I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
What's the weirdest place you've ever had sex?
I don't think you're psychologically prepared for this conversation.
Randomize
