my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.
Try oodles of noodles this time.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Randomize
