My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
Randomize
