he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
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