Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
no.. I went home. Puking up hot dogs and lemon tart isn't as lovely as it sounds.
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
YOU CAN'T GET A TATTOO BECAUSE OF KPOP FANFICTION. THAT'S NOT HOW LIFE WORKS
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
Randomize
