I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
I got really high with eric & scott.. they're discussing why words sound the way they do.. it's going to get messy
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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