Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
Night out in new white coat = success. Offered free breast exams all night, two took me up on it, woke up with one. I love medical school!!!
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
i was drinking at the bar last night with a guy with no bottom teeth, wearing zubas and a polka dotted hat. if that isn't the definition of wisconsin, i dont know what is
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
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