Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
Randomize
