and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
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