I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
Randomize
