I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
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