hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
it's too hot outside to masturbate.
its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
