I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
I NEED TO NOT REMEMBER THIS IN THE MORNING. He is our TEACHER.
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
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