so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
im using the astroglide sample u sent me as a bookmark for the book im using to write my midterm paper. i need to get laid. bad.
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
you're hired as official boob wrangler
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
Randomize
