Why are there hot girls at the dollar store?
The recession has changed everything man.
The ratio was 19 to 1 and the 1 was lauren so it didn't even count.
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
Nobody is stopping the marines from drinking in class on veterans day. They literally brought a cooler with a bottle of whiskey and vodka on ice. And are passing out red cups to anyone interested. Staying in Vegas for college has officialy become an A+ decision
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
Randomize
