Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
Randomize
