I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
Randomize
