dude, the reading rainbow guy was just talking to a HOLOGRAM
Are you sure you're not watching Star Trek?
wait... oh
Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
i don't mind that he's uncut. i like it! it's like a little sweater!
a cock doensn't need a sweater! especially a skin sweater! wtf.
That's like some buffalo bill hannibal lector shit.
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
Randomize
