Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
On another note- any interest in going to a gay bar to hit on 19yr olds?
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
I need mimosas to revive my soul
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