I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
Did it work?
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