I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
