my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
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