and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
I puked off the balcony.
Not horrible
Into the hottub. There were six people in it. I had eaten all their pizza.
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
Its your turn to fuck our RA next time she threatens us with an underage.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
The cops high fived after they tackled you
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
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