There was an extended period of my adolescent life where my friends and I would get high, drive around in my minivan listening exclusively to the wu tang clan, and intentionally crash into snowbanks
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
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