This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
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