yeah it was kind of like, i'm 27 and still live in a frat house.. you honestly expect me to have "moral fiber" and a "conscience"
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Randomize
