I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
think im gonna go get a six pack before class and sit in the back of the room...
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
Well, we went shopping. He bought me starbucks and ate me out in the change room at target. If that isnt the best post covid first date, I don't know what is
Randomize
