He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
Shes from jersey what did you expect her to say when you asked her if she did coke? Its like asking some1 from a third world country if they are hungry
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
Randomize
