She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
I feel like your personal Bdsm barbie...
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
we had to follow your trail of clothes to find you.......
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
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