I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
czant get you from the arport. sry i found the rum. dan sucks at rumpong jusrt so yo knoqw.
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
Ladies don't puke and tell
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
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