I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
i black out too much to be "responsible"
Randomize
