im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
Randomize
