is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
she was puking nonstop out of the car window in the rain during our hour long drive back, we got lot of honks
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
Randomize
