okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
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