i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
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