My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
its like accelerated beer pong for children.....we train champions young
did i walk over a car last night?
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
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