Have you ever noticed every guy named Shaant has scene hair and date girls with racoons stripes in theirs
His name should be shouldn't
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
If its called oral, why is it so hard to talk?
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
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