I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Randomize
