I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
I'm considering failing out of my last semester of college just so I can keep fucking him.
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
Randomize