I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
I think about him when I masturbate so I guess you could call it love
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
His butt is perfect. Like a twelve on a scale of one to ten. No idea about his personality or anything but that ass... I'm keeping him.
Randomize
