he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
What's the procedure for failed threesomes? Do I friend her on facebook this morning?
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Randomize
