they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
what part of 'taking a night off' includes MDMA in your world?
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
You shouldn't do laundry high cus pink.
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
Randomize
