I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
Reindeer Drinking Games will soon commence. Get over here while we're still sober enough to answer the door.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
Randomize
