sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
There is a literally infinite number of spliffs going around this table.
Delicious
I feel like I'm at a sushi bar with a spliff belt.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
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