I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
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