just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
You American Chicks are so confusing....1 day you are on my nuts next day you be trippin
Dude its not just American chicks...a small penis is the same in every language
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize
