Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
All of her cloths were on our coffee table this morning. The only things she left with last night were her shoes and Scott
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Randomize
