You are still hot in my book. I wanna dry hump u like a 9th grader then hump for real when the herpes is gone.
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize
