In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
Randomize
