I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
And my only real exposure to Russian culture is you and Internet porn.
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
Randomize
