i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
Hooked up to multiple episodes of Even Stevens last night. What the fuck.
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
i black out too much to be "responsible"
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
Randomize
