maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
A good drinking club with a running problem, improves endurance in both I have observed this evening.
2 for 1 beer results in multiples of 2 so what should be a beer or two becomes 4 or 6. But running, alleviates the need for a DD.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
Randomize
