I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
Randomize
