I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
what food is Colorado known for?
Pot brownies.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
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