if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
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