Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
i think i would be more confident if i were chinese.
he likes ron paul.... that's all i'm going to say....
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
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