foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
my history teacher totally just suggested that we record his lectures and play drinking games with them later so that we pay attention to the material.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
Randomize