I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
I just want to make out with him forever
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
Randomize
