Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
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