I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
Dude so coolest charity idea ever, think aids walk but instead of miles you drink beers oh the possibilities
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
Stop getting drunk and running away. I can'tell chase you. Iim in heels and have big boobs. Running is a bad idea for me.
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
Randomize
