I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
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