My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Randomize
