Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
You let the ASEXUAL teach sex Ed?!
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
Randomize
