i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
