I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
Randomize
