I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
Yeah I'm pretty much like lane on gilmore girls except my mom doesn't look so mean all the time.
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
Randomize
